Hans ๐nome
@Hansย ยทย 0:41
What is self-love? And how do you get it?
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Okay. I am super excited to talk about this topic. And it's the topic of selfcare selflove. And I've been fascinated with this idea. Maybe gosh, maybe five to seven years errors. And I think it stems from the irrationality of human behavior, the fact that many of us, if not personally, then you know, others who don't do what they should do for themselves in regards to their finances, chances or their health or habits or all sorts of things like that
And it was such an amazing experience to do that and to realize in the end, regardless of what my story was, Dragons and castles and so on. But in the end, to realize that I can care for that little girl inside that maybe didn't get what she needed or the younger version of me young woman who didn't get what she needed. I can help heal that I can help provide what's needed there
Hans ๐nome
@Hansย ยทย 1:15
And if we don't supply time and energy, I guess part of the question that I'm facing myself is that synonymous with lack of care and thereby lack of love. That's kind of a tough one for me because it's like we can't give your time to everyone. Time is a limited resource. And if time is limited resource, that is love orcare limited resource is affection enough in the absence of energy and time
Dewuan .
@FryedOreoย ยทย 2:48
But they don't stop to think about themselves and making sure they're eating right, getting adequate sleep and doing things that they want to do outside of these causes. They want to fight for. So yeah, very interesting subject
Hans ๐nome
@Hansย ยทย 1:27
And then to the part about what I was saying with in regards to time and energy, I believe at least my current working philosophy is that it's the time and energy that you need to apply to yourself, to care for yourself. And in the event that I cannot define what self love is, I feel a lot more confident defining what self care is. And if I apply time and energy to myself, then that suffices for the moment
Hans ๐nome
@Hansย ยทย 2:06
But as social creatures, I think the concern I have is this concept of self love and self care, which is written about Ad nauseum and everyone's saying essentially in their books or articles, you should have it. You should do it, you should acquire it. And if you don't have it, you might not have enough. And all of that. Right. The quantity, the quality. And then on the superficial angle about buy this, have this. You need this. Love yourself
I don't know where the line is, and perhaps it's different for everyone between not caring for ourselves because we don't love ourselves or not caring enough for ourselves because of time or other things we have prioritized differently. I mean, we can love someone and not necessarily be loving all the time. I'm an extreme introvert. I call myself a hermit. I rarely interact with people in real life. Yes, I'm prolific on this app
Swell Team
@Swellย ยทย 0:15
It could be a stranger that observes something and says something that helps to alter our perspective and gives us something to grasp onto. I think if we aren't given those tools as children, then it is much harder to develop them on our own, but I think it can still be done. And personally, I think a lot of those articles and check these little boxes and suddenly you will have self love, I think, are a little horse s***
Hans ๐nome
@Hansย ยทย 2:39
And then when you mentioned the priority angle, therein lies the rub. When you choose one thing over another, what does that mean? And I would submit to you. And of course, this is just my opinion. But yeah, being on the app connecting with other people is feeding you because that's what we are. We're sort of social creatures. And even as we are, I would consider myself probably an ambivert. So a little bit of both
You know, that concept of loneliness being a deadly disease has been on my mind for some time now. And so because I am such a hermit, I probably have a skewed perspective on some of this. And I'm probably missing pieces. But when it comes to the idea of love as a verb, I think there's so many different ways we do that. And for each individual, what they need and how they need to be loved is different. Are you familiar?
Hans ๐nome
@Hansย ยทย 3:28
And I believe if I'm not mistaken, that the consensus or at least the synopsis of what he was saying was that essentially what we're now doing in the adult life is sort of management, right? We're now adopting and creating management techniques to sort of address the holes that were left behind, even the most well meaning parent
Hans ๐nome
@Hansย ยทย 1:43
And in that same voice, if I can do that for myself and I define love for myself that way, well, then, do I still love my ex girlfriend, who I haven't seen in maybe in 20 years? I mean, could I say that? Could you say you love someone who is no longer living right? I love that person. Is it now just something much deeper than behavior? Is it something that is more about just a feeling and affection?
Maybe going back to that imperfect thing, maybe I just have a lot of bandaids and I've just found strategic ways to apply them or piece things back together. And that's not to say that that means anything less than if healing had actually happened. Yeah
Okay, Hans, you just, like, leveled up there in the conversation. I don't even know. I don't know where to go with that or what to think. Because, like, if I think about somebody who's past, would we say that quality time is being spent with them when they are on your mind? I don't know. And if we say that that's the case, then can we say that that's true for anyone who's living?
Hans ๐nome
@Hansย ยทย 2:19
Almost like an emergency love plan, and not that it has to be an emergency, but that some of the behaviors that sort of cause us to be remindful. I love words I love sort of thinking about the words we use and how often we use them sometimes with little thought. And the word remind is such a powerful word to me, because when you think about Alzheimer's disease and you think about ways that people lose themselves, it really comes down to memory
Georgie Dee
@GeorgieDeeย ยทย 5:00
But personally, I think that the key to understanding and connecting with other people and actually growing other people is self knowledge and self love. And in my job, in my particular job, that's one of the things I do. One of the most important things I do in life full stop is I see other people. I really see them. I see potential in them, and I grow it and I blossom it. I do it in my work as a teacher
So to say that this is what self care is and that's the same for everyone. It's obviously a farce, but it can act as a reminder. Perhaps I have to say that I have thoroughly enjoyed our conversation and I would love to continue, but I am feeling under the weather, so I'm going to have to duck out, but feel free to respond. And I will pick this up later again. Welcome to swell
Georgie Dee
@GeorgieDeeย ยทย 4:51
We've talked about these subjects ad infinitum so my mother was a covert narcissist and my dad was just an overt narcissist and I was a scapegoat and my brother was a golden child. I have a more functional life than my brother. My brother is basically a functioning alcoholic and I am not
Georgie Dee
@GeorgieDeeย ยทย 2:03
But without sexuality or romantic love and my friendships with men and women, I like that I have this incredibly close connection to people. What's interesting in society, though, is that it's unacceptable to be a romantic. And asexual people are constantly trying to find me as someone, which I think is really funny. They're like, you just haven't met the right guy yet
And these were different, all different. Can you imagine at the end of that year, then having this list of 365 things that you love about yourself, and it was transformative for her. I keep thinking that I need to do it and that I would love to experience what she did and have that impact. But have I done it? No. What does that say? It's one of those irrational things that I'm sure I have irrational reasons for emotional
Hans ๐nome
@Hansย ยทย 4:05
I mean, do they respond to you in that way because for lack of a better understanding, you love them. So they respond to the information that you are providing them? Do they now believe in themselves because you first believed in them? I think that's the thing that I find most powerful that at a certain level, you give what you get. And maybe if you get love, then you're that much more able to give. And then I've written this sentence over and over again
Georgie Dee
@GeorgieDeeย ยทย 3:08
He kept talking about his trauma of leaving a relationship. And I was like, you know what that's done? It's gone. It's over. Every time you talk about it, you're recreating it, leave it in the past. Let's talk about now, let's talk about all the great things that are happening to you now. And I took him on this journey of believing in himself. And then I stopped him and said, hey, what about me?
Greg Dickson
@ElasticBDย ยทย 3:03
Hey, Hans, nice to meet you. Great question. I saw you. What? What? What? What is selflove and how do it? And then you framed it in selfcare that's hasn't always been in my wheelhouse, so to speak. It was probably, I think in 2009, I had a conversation with my life coach and it asked me a question, well, what are you doing for self care now?
Dewuan .
@FryedOreoย ยทย 3:07
Well, I've been listening to this conversation on Furl, and it's very interesting. And Hans, Hans, I'm sorry you had said something about self love. Doing it alone is weird. And that's very interesting because I do take a sense of pride in discovering myself alone, but I'm not really doing it alone. Of course, I'm having others around me. Great conversations. And through that, I am strengthening my core
Hans ๐nome
@Hansย ยทย 4:01
And there can be attachment to people who have hurt us. And we can call that love. We can dislike the people that we love, I. E. The people that we are attached to. And so I'm a lot closer to calling this idea of love and attachment and to the last piece of what wonderful had talked about. I am complete agreement that essentially one of the ways that I learned to better love myself is to examine how I love others and to examine my relationship to others
Georgie Dee
@GeorgieDeeย ยทย 1:04
And he tied it up with a big red bow. Is it done? Actually, I don't think so. I have one more thing to add. I would love to argue the point that attachment is different to connection because I don't like to have too much attachment to things in life. I prefer the word connection for me. I'm splitting hairs with a word here, but I think attachment has connotations of difficulty letting go
Greg Dickson
@ElasticBDย ยทย 4:00
And I can get to quote, unquote self love because really are we really looking for self love? When we look for love? You talked about that. You used to say that love was a verb, and now you think love is an attachment? Well, if you have of a loving, vibrant, healthy, engaging, joyful relationship, it's natural to attach to that. It's natural to want more. It's natural to not be willing to let it go
Hans ๐nome
@Hansย ยทย 3:39
That's just what we do. We attach. And like little ducklings, if you're raised by parents who provide autonomy and love and care and positive regard, well, then guess what. You grow up that much more likely to deliver that to others if you don't have that circumstance
Hans ๐nome
@Hansย ยทย 3:04
And yet attachment is the most natural thing we do. So wouldn't it be interesting if loving others and being loved by others? And let me start this a little bit the other way? Wouldn't it be interesting if being loved by others teaches us how to love others until we get to a point where we can learn to love ourselves and then let the loved ones go? Does that make sense? Did anyone follow that?
Dewuan .
@FryedOreoย ยทย 2:15
But it's like you're constantly having to. Or I guess life is showing you to let go of that love because there is something stronger on the horizon. And getting too comfortable with love is always a recipe for disaster. At least that's what I was able to get from it
Greg Dickson
@ElasticBDย ยทย 4:49
And in other words, you have to face yourself. You have to face reality and confront reality. If you want to experience what's, beyond whatever obstacles, whatever things that are going on in your own life experience, you have to confront that you can experience what you will not confront because you have to get to a place of acceptance. There's just no way around it personally that's my personal experience. And I believe love is a verb, and attachment is just what we do as humans
Hans ๐nome
@Hansย ยทย 2:14
And so, yeah, I think it's a very interesting thing that if there's work to be done with self love, the work is to become unattached. Now, how do you do that? Where does that impetus come from? Where does the insight come from? I do not believe that it is selfregulatory, although there is a regulatory component to it
Georgie Dee
@GeorgieDeeย ยทย 0:30
And if a child was trained conditioned to be distrustful to be on guard, et cetera, then how is it going to be that someone else is going to somehow bombard them with enough love that these inner things that have happened in the past, these conditions have suddenly melted away? I think there's a lot of hard work that happens there, and also this idea of needing other people to fill a certain role and then to let them go
Hans ๐nome
@Hansย ยทย 5:00
I would look to seeds. I would say that seeds. It's natural for them to grow, but not in any particular way. In other words, depending upon where they are, they might grow left. They might grow right, they might grow up, but they're going to grow toward a source. And so I think within context is the source that matters most who that parent or caretaker is. I think you're taught love just like you're taught hate
Brooke C.
@Brooke415ย ยทย 3:07
Basically, I think if I understood or if I may paraphrase you because I think love is not love. If it's not an action in a way, you can fall head over heels in love and become overwhelmed. And that's certainly a definite experience that's most emotional. And that comes an outpouring of when people are in the honeymoon phase. But in terms of just everyday love and self love. Number one, self love is good love in my humble opinion, in every way
Hans ๐nome
@Hansย ยทย 4:25
And so I think that's where I sort of begin to separate how love and care could be different, still on the same spectrum. Now the other thought that I had was also I thought interesting, and that is that it still is a state. It still is a feeling like you suggested because it's a thing that I can have from someone. I can feel something with someone
Hans ๐nome
@Hansย ยทย 2:27
Merely human, poignant and powerful as always. You know what? I completely agree with you. I so know what you're talking about. When you begin to think about the love of your life and potentially losing it, I get the same feeling. You know, it's. I'm reminded of two things I'm reminded of of nostalgia, the meeting of it, which is, I think it was either Brene Brown
Hans ๐nome
@Hansย ยทย 0:30
Oh, and I forgot one thing. Just you were saying you were talking about love being really inspiring and inspiring that growth. And I completely agree that there's a foundation that's required to move and feel safe enough to grow and try something new. I'd say more about that. But I think I'm getting new ideas and ponder on that for a bit. But I completely agree that sort of love is the Basin from which positive growth can occur
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